On May 11th I gave a talk on Sexual Exploration to a group of community college students. It was electrifying for me. But let's back up a bit because I want to set this up a bit more so you can really feel into it...
The week after I launched my website, I received a message asking me o be on a panel of Sexperts discussing the topic of Sexual Exploration. I was excited and a bit shocked. The word Sexpert never shows up on my website...not even once. Nor does speaker, lecturer or presenter. I was informed that they usually have about 6 Sexperts and they speak during the Q & A part of the discussion and I said Hell YES!
Time passes and I have random thoughts about what might be asked during such a discussion. I notice every time I think about it a feel a flutter in my chest, some nausea and a little tingling in my body.
More time passes and i'm asked in a message if I would agree to be the presenter that day and speak for around 20 minutes on the topic. Hell YES! again. I've decided to do this no matter what they ask because I feel that this will be a great learning experience for ME!
They request a blurb for promoting the talk...I become speechless...then I send this...exploration leads to self-awareness...It's through trying different things that were learn to love and accept all parts of ourselves. I've personally explored and adventured in many realms and have pushed past my own rules and boundaries to discover many parts of mySelf I may have never met. What would you like to explore?
It's the morning of May 11th and I receive a message saying that they've reserved a projector and laptop for me...this is getting real! I go in tech-fright and search all my tools until I find that I have power point on my iPhone! I quickly and masterfully(lol) create a 10 page power point mainly to keep myself on track for my presentation. Title of the talk, slide about my education/experience/lived experience, couple slides with definitions, then why explore?, Who to explore with?, How to find people to explore with?, What kinds of experiences to explore?, and then ways to stay connected to me and what I do.
I arrive and my contact tells me that only she and one other panelist are available. She brings vegan donuts and water, condoms, a rubber penis with scrotum and a plastic model of the female reproductive anatomy (internal only) sans labia or clit and offers them to me in case I wanted to use then. I cheerfully decline wishing I had brought my friends 3d model of the clitoris in all her glory!
I ask how many they expect and she says anywhere from 4-40 but that finals were next week so the turn out could be small. I think about rearranging the chairs into a semi-circle for greater connection if we have a small turnout. Well, 50-60 people show up. Donuts are cut into quarters and I'm feeling a bit faint!
I inform her that I don't know if I'll be able to fill 20 minutes and that I will give it my best. Then she introduces me...the first five minutes i can hear my voice high and tight...I'm speaking very fast and feeling dizzy. I can't feel my body and I can't feel the room...only eyes staring into me. I'm reading from the slides and hoping 20 minutes will pass soon. Then I remember to remember...all I need to do is be Turned On and have fun!
I slow way down. I make a joke about being a Jersey girl and that's why I talk so fast. The crowd laughs and for the first time I can feel them. I take a few slow deep breaths and land in my body. I feel a buzzing in my clit, she knows what to say. I feel my skin start to burn, electricity begins to hum through me, and my chest/heart expands...I feel myself welcoming them all into me. I get curious. I ask them questions. I tell them some of my stories. They laugh and I feel warm and effervescent. They constrict as I get very vulnerable with my sharing and I can feel them reach an edge. I finish my story and I can feel a slow deep sigh in the room and know that they feel loved and approved of. I share more stories of my own experiences that are so deep and vulnerable and their love and approval cracks me open more. We are all in the crucible of transformation together and I am stirring the cauldron. It feel magical and masterful to me. There are questions about what I mean by 'sex professionals' and I mention sex therapists, sex surrogates, prostitutes, pro Doms, ya know, sex workers. I mention that I desire to take the judgment of this group of workers who provide a much needed service and that I might want to be one someday too.
We talk about fantasies and I say that at my age, I don't have anymore. And then I remember I still have one. I tell them that if there is time at the end I'll share it with them.
I do a time check to see if my 20 minute obligation has been met and its ben 47 minutes!! I apologize and I'm told to just keep going and that if I get stumped, i can turn it over to one of them. The whole talk feels organic and orgasmic and the questions are fun. And then, when we only have time for 1 more question, a young man in the front row (who never masturbates, didn't raise his hand when I asked that question) asks about my fantasy! So I ask if they've heard of a cuckold. The student from the Netherlands has, lol. I explain that in my fantasy I'm in bed with my lover and he's whispering to me of his undying love and devotion while another man is f*cKing the hell out of me. The whole room peaks! I then explain that I've come to understand that my underlying desire is to feel totally loved and totally free...something that I think we all want. And I know that we can have it. Then I tell him that I know what he's going to go home and do and make a jerking gesture and he and the room laugh with grace and ease.
After the talk there is a line of people that want to talk and I stay another 20 minutes. I feel warm, radiant and I feel myself able to hold for an entire room of people...their attention, their emotions and their sex. I feel full.
The other Sexpert talks to me, he's with rape crisis and trauma team, and I mention that I hope I didn't offend him when I talked about my own experiences and going from victim consciousness to a person who transforms from the experience. We have an amazing chat. Then a woman who had been a sex worker hugs me and we talk about her past work and arrest and I thank her for what she has done and the gratitude I have that someone of her deep compassion was doing that work and the healing that her clients probably got to experience through her. We talked about training as a sex therapist and I helped her get clear with her desire to become a sex surrogate. Another woman walked me to my car discussing her marriage, polyamory and cheating, trust and love and sex. It was an amazing day! At some point I will share some of my stories with YOU!
And remember, if you'd like to open your sex, talk about intimacy and relationships, desire and alchemizing shame and guilt into joy and power, schedule a coaching session with me soon!